Are you there God? It's me, a menopausal woman

I mean, seriously, anybody home? I'm fighting for my life down here!

Jul 21, 2023

I am 54 years old.

And yes, I refer to myself as being in my midlife.

I’m going to refer to myself as being in my midlife until I am in my nineties, at which time, I will reevaluate.

I am a member of a generation (GenX, that is) that prides itself on the fact that we were latch key kids who grew up without cell phones, walked around unsupervised on suburban bypasses, heated up our own food in the microwave, watched hours and hours of MTV.

As a generation, we have some trauma to unpack.

I mean, yes, it’s probably a good thing that we weren’t helicoptered, but we were left to our own devices pretty early in life, and that might have left a mark.

Life is Change

I don’t remember the women in my family ever talking about menopause when I was growing up. They didn’t talk about when it happened, or their symptoms, or how they felt about it.

It wasn’t something that was taught in school. Never was it mentioned in biology class.

So, I was shocked when peri-menopause came barreling into my life with its barrage of physical atrocities.

The truth is menopause is horrible. It will try to kill you.

When I asked her about it recently, my mother said she turned 50, stopped having a period, and that was it. No symptoms. I don’t think she’s lying. I think that’s how she remembers it, but I doubt that’s what actually happened.

As a menopause survivor, I am stunned when I see other midlife uterus owners out there living it up, excelling at their jobs, raising teenagers, drinking cocktails with a full face of make-up on after dinner. How do they do it?

Here’s a brief list of things I experienced during peri-menopause:

Hair loss
Hives
Dry skin
Hot flashes
Hot sleeping/sleeplessness
The sensation that cold chemicals were surging out of my heart
Weight gain
Fatigue
Blurry vision
Depression
Heavy bleeding
A raging frustration in my solar plexus

There was probably more. But this is what comes immediately to mind. Maybe you won’t experience these things. I hope you won’t. I hope you’ll be like my mom and just have a day where you realize your period is over. If, however, you are beginning to suspect you might be dying of some unheard of disease - I understand.

Think back to when you started your period. Likely, you were on the cusp of big changes in your life. You were developing your identity.

It’s the same way with midlife.

You get a whole new identity.

And that’s why I decided to start writing this, and why I hope you’ll come along for the ride. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I’m transitioning into this new way of being, and there’s a lot to talk about and explore and also, probably complain about.

I Am Weird.

I make art, write, talk to spirit guides.

I’m learning how to grow medicinal herbs and make things like tinctures and oils and flower essences.

Oh - this is probably an important one - I don’t have children.

I am an aunt, and a pug mom, and I have a partner. We’ve been in a monogamous cohabitational relationship for twenty (twenty-one?) years, but we’re not married. And we don’t have kids.

Other things I don’t have at my ripe old age include a 401K, an expensive wardrobe, or a car that doesn’t leak.

Things I do have include a massive collection of tarot decks, more books than I can shelve, and experiences.

I really hope you’ll join me here but…

There’s something you should know before you subscribe. I am not politically neutral. Political views are a reflection of how we believe human beings should be treated, and when it comes to Trumpism, trans lives, Black lives, drag shows, banned books, and abortion rights, I don’t believe there’s anything spiritually elevated about “seeing both of sides” or staying silent. (I’m way over here on the Left.)

I’m going to write here about how the New Age to Alt-Right Pipeline broke my heart and rearranged me.

I’m going to write a tiny bit about Christianity and a lot of very “witchy” things. I might delve into aliens, even. (The spaceship kind.) I might mention now and then how COVID isn’t over (because…it isn’t.)

But I’m also going to write about my garden, my closet, my creative process, random philosophies, making peace with the face in the mirror, and how I’m grabbing my life back from the abyss and re-creating it; how I’m giving myself an inside-out makeover and standing in my own skin, maybe for the first time ever.

When I was a girl, my Brownie troop met in a church basement. After our meetings, when we were just mingling around waiting for our parents to pick us up, we would go into the bathroom and try to scry in the mirror or lie on the floor and try to life one another up using only one finger while chanting, light as a feather, stiff as a board.

This Sub Stack is going to be a little bit like that Brownie meeting except, you don’t have to wear a beanie if you don’t want o.