More on being weird

(The good kind of weird, not that...other kind)

**sometimes I hold my mosquito repellent incense stick like an old-timey movie star

I recently wrote about being a creative oddball and in that post, I said, “I’m not like other women my age.”

A reader (yay! Thank you for being a reader!) asked me to elaborate on what I meant by that. So, I’ve been thinking. What did I mean by that? What am I really saying when I say I’m not like other women my age?

When I wrote those words, I was thinking about work and career. I’ve worked at all sorts of jobs, but I haven’t had a linear career where you start working for someone then compete for a series of promotions then eventually retire in a blaze of glory.

I have had some really cool job experiences and learned alot from teaching creative writing, working in children’s libraries, collaborating with teams, embracing new technologies. But I haven’t saved for retirement; I can’t make big purchases like cars or homes.

There are other things that separate me from other women my age. The fact that I don’t have children, for instance. My views on healthcare, my spiritual beliefs, the fact that I cut my own hair using Youtube videos, my politics.

It’s true that I don’t necessarily align with the majority of women in my demographic and location, but it’s also true that I could, if I wanted to, reach out and grab a handful of other people who share these qualities with me.

In attempting to answer this question of what I meant when I said I wasn’t like other people, I realized that the thing that has always made me feel set a part from others is that I’m not a good fit for the paradigm we’ve been living.

When I was younger, I leaned toward thinking that there was something wrong with me, that these aspects of my personality were dysfunctional or a result of an anxiety disorder or flaw. But now, I have respect for the way I am, and I don’t feel a need to strive to fit in.

I don’t like to go to parties and strain to make small talk, for instance. There was a time when I thought this was something I needed to fix about myself and I spent hours of my life trying to do it only to end up crashing for days afterward. I no longer see this as a character flaw. It’s just the way I am and I don’t think my lived experience would be enhanced by forcing myself to do it.

The thing about being different is, we all are. We are each a unique expression of life.

You might be the sort of person who loves to go to parties and meet a bunch of new people. It might be fun for you to think of things to talk about with strangers and the fact that it’s fun is how you know it’s right for you. The fact that it’s not fun for me is how I know it’s not right for me.

There is no hierarchy of being. We’re each exactly who and what we’re meant to be.

Like everyone else, I was indoctrinated into a system which is built around capitalism and teaches its children that being a good person means sacrificing your life to a job you hate. This system thrives through homogenized culture and insists that we wipe from our personalities that which makes us unique.

I’m not a fan.

I’ve never felt that I fit in to this structure.

I’m an introvert in a culture that rewards extroverts.

I am a person who absolutely can not stand for anyone to tell me what to do, who to be, or what to believe, in a culture that believes listing rules of morality on classroom walls makes childen better people.

The system we’ve been raised in values, (but does not always reward,) sacrifice, conformity, pushing, and competition. We are told to always be reaching for a better version of ourselves.

No pain, no gain, we are told.

I grew up in a world where art class was an elective, a hobby, something to do in your spare time.

When I was in high school, if someone dressed differently than everyone else, it was considered a cry for help, a plea for attention.

I never fit in to this way of thinking - which is based on a corporate model.

But like everyone else, I am alive during a time of great change, a paradigm shift, a cultural turn. The old way is falling away and we are collectively moving into a new way of being with one another.

I am here for it.

My whole life, I’ve been told - directly and indirectly - that I’m a little bit weird. Sometimes, I’ve been told so in kind and funny ways. Sometimes I’ve been told so in biting and painful ways.

Once, I thought that meant something about me was broken. Now, I don’t.

I’m fine with being weird in this system because I don’t like this system.

I am who I am and everyday, I tend to my voice. Every day, I allow myself to more and more embody my true self. When I dim my light or shift something about myself in order to fly under the radar, I notice it.

Modifying one’s self in order to be liked or accepted or to avoid conflict is not the way. It’s not the way to love yourself and it’s not the way to love the world.

This world is changing and the best way to usher in the change is to be who we are.

If this sort of conversation is interesting to you, I’m writing a book and I’m going to share it with my paid subscribers, chapter by chapter as I go. It’s part spiritual memoir, part social critique, part woo-woo manifesto. I’m calling it Cosmic Heart, though you know, titles are subject to change.